Death's symphony. / Monday blues.

I was reading through myths, legends and cult believes over at Wikipedia, and realised that there's a certain topic most things revolve around - death.

As a child, I feared of dying, of venturing into the unknown, dark and still silence of the world beyond. Yet I also feared the concept of an end, sure, most people say that living life to the fullest and finally dying, enjoying an eternal slumber would be nice. But personally, I found it to be the most scary and nightmarish concept ever. Just an end, no life, no meaning, no feelings, no nothing. Would that what you want your ending to be? Nothing?

As I grew, I got into religion, and learnt about heaven or hell, gladly enough, it changed my way of thinking, and it gave me a 'happiness' about dying. Being able to meet God in heaven, rejoicing eternal life with my loved ones in paradise, wasn't really a bad idea. Sure enough, this fear was subsided, but then another fear arised - life.

Yes, life. Now that I think about death, sure it would be pretty happy, but what about the people left on earth? The people who were there at your grave, crying their hearts out, the people who've lived with you all these while, and then lose you just like that, what happens to them? Sure they might move on, but isn't it by itself a big blow to their soul? Time heals, yes, but how long? Thinking about this, really made me scared about my life, I'm scared that I'll die and have not tried everything I wanted to try in this life of mine. I'm scared that there's so many things left unsaid, to the people I love, the ones that I care for, and the ones that I adore. It made me realise how life in itself is scary, for you're given the chance to say everything you always wanted to, but never realising how much you'll end up saying before coming to an ending.

I told myself, that life's too short and unpredictable, so whatever I wanna do, do it now, don't regret never doing it, instead regret ever doing it. Cos' life's too short to think about.

Looking back, I have this to regret, that too often when I loved, I did not say so. -David Grayson

Today was pretty much alright, except for a few destructive mistakes. Yes, as again, I've screwed up pretty much everything, and now it's back to square one. Sigh, I seriously should think next time. Anyway didn't have breakfast with Shankar and co. because woke up late, so ended up meeting Rohail and the gang at Tmart CC before heading for school. At school, usual things happen, lessons, lessons, sleep, lessons. Then school ended and had lunch with Rachel and co. with Brayton and co., then left for home. Boring? You bet.

PS, I'm seriously seriously sorry for what I did. I know you might not be reading this, but I have to get this off my chest. I shouldn't have touched on such a touchy subject. My sincerest apologies.

TAG REPLIES

Mystigal : Haha, okay.

tian : Yea man! Sucks to be us, but we have to pull our spirits up! :D

Alison : SHAWN!? NO WAY. Sorry la, sudden urge to blog at night. ._.

flies : THANKS! Best of luck to you too!

Shankar : Lulz, k.

Irritated.

The days have been going pretty slow, and the fact that I'm kinda down in the dumps doesn't really help. Midyears are a week away and I haven't started revising, haven't handed up all my late homeworks, and I can happily sit around and play my PSP. And what happens when I'm asked to study? I simply idle around and end up falling asleep. Bloody disappointed at myself.

Anyway, the past week was quite alright, wanted to play basketball before being called for the Current Affairs project meeting at 201 Mac, and I swear I was totally clueless. Then became the MC with Maisarah for the investiture, everything went well except for my last line for the day, which I embarassedly messed up and even more embarassingly didn't notice until the crowd laughed. So yea, short attention span. Went to Downtown east after that and had a blast with the SCs, met some new friends, ate lots of variety of food (which sucked by the way), and went crazy on the bus back home because of Liangrong. I swear his laugh if freaking hilarious and contagious. Reached home around 11.30pm, chatted with mom since she just came back from Hongkong then slept soundly after a hard day's work. :)

Friday, went to Wenqi's house to play WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII, YES, WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII. Played Resident evil but realised I suck at it and changed to Beijing Olympics 2008, which because of my fit body and strong arm muscles, got me to win most of the events, or maybe Petrina just sucks at the game. HAHAHA. Then went to Parkway to have lunch before going to Settler's cafe and realise it.. CLOSED DOWN! Went back to Parkway with nothing to do so just walked around before going home with a lethargic body. As expected, I fell asleep, unexpected, I OVERSLEPT! Woke up at 7.50pm and gonna have tuition at 8pm, so ended up not doing homework and told my teacher I had to 'study for Midyears'. Smart no? Hahaha.

Saturday, spent time with mom at home, although I was partially spending time with her and partially playing my PSP. I swear I have to arrange my priorities. -.- Anyway, went to cut hair, now it's all spiky but I like it! Then went for vocal training before having dinner with my family. THE CRAB AND CRAYFISH WAS FLIPPIN' HUGE. Seriously, No Signboard is the best in seafood man, value for money! :D Slept with a full stomach that day, and forgot to exercise before sleeping somemore. -.- Gain weighttttttttttttt sia.

And today! Woke up late for church, but SOMEHOW managed to get there in time. My father's a freaking lunatic in driving fast, man. The sermon was funny as hell, and after church went to help out the guys in keeping the sound system and instruments. Waited for the bible class to end and went home to spend time with mom.. AGAIN. Somehow fell asleep at home when I'm supposed to study and woke up to send mom off. Went back home and did some Maths homework and finally here blogging. Abrupt week, I feel that I'm wasting my time and not making full use of it. Sigh, I seriously should start working hard these days.

Oh well, off to homework again! :D

PS, MY DAD'S GOING TO JAPAN! WTFWTFWTF!?!? AWESOME LA, SOMEMORE AT THIS TIME OF THE YEAR. If it wasn't the exam period, I would have gladly gone. -.-

TAG REPLIES

yourlovingsenior : Dude, shut up. -.-

aetiiqcaz : Well, WANTED TO. :D

Jacinta : Heylooooooo!

tian : SUP! Dota is always fun with me around. Hahaha.

RACHEL(: : HAHAH! You wish! And yea I'll try my best to update frequently.

Alan : Haha! We both must study hard then!

Jolene : YES YES YES! I know my blog's nice to read! Hahaha, but seriously, I have to update.

Victor-ia(: : Haha thanks! Linked by the way.

shuqi : Hey! How'd you find my blog? Hahaha.

saddist : Coming from you, that's kinda ironic. HAHAH!

flies : Thanks! Good luck to you too. :)

Show me love.

I'm tired of finding my way to you from where I am now, I'm sick of losing my way all the time, and always having to go back to where I was before, I'm sick of cutting through the vines that connects me to you, and knowing that it's never-ending, I'm sick of reaching out to you, but your hands aren't out for me to grab. I'm tired, tired of love.

It used to be so sweet, and it used to be beautiful. Really, I thought I had a chance, but only now do I realise I'm nothing compared to him. I know I have to fight on, to press on, then only can I reach out to her, but how long? How much longer must I keep on fighting a losing battle till a miracle comes? I feel like giving up, I really do, I don't even know myself and my feelings anymore, I don't know whether I should keep fighting on, or just walk away like everything else I did halfway, all the stupid mistakes and all the painful failures. What must I do? What must I fight for?

Looking back, I really thank my friends for all the help they gave, all the hope and blessings they have and have given me, I seriously do. And I know if I give it all up now, it's not gonna be funny, it's not gonna be 'okay', hell, it'll tear me apart, and it'll put everything they did for me go to waste. Yet if I continue fighting on, I'll just slowly kill myself, maybe I'll even find more adversaries along the way, and sooner or later, I know I'll give it up.

But is this what I really want? Just giving it up? Sure, it might bring me peace and silence, but would it bring me happiness? Would it bring me the love, that I longed for? No, it won't. Love's all the way out there, amidst the pain, sorrow and tears. It's a long road there, and I've walked half of it. The journey's still long, and it's going to hurt more, but I know if I pull this through, I'd be the happiest guy alive. It would bring me happiness, I'm sure of it, but joy brings about pain and suffering, but only with them can happiness really be called happiness. The most painful happiness is the only true one, for without pain, happiness is undefined, and for without pain, nobody knows what happiness feels like.

I can't find my resolve yet, but I told myself I would do it. I will pull this through, and once I'm at the end, I'll look back and laugh at the old times, and realise what a fool I was. I don't want peace and serenity, I want the chance to be able to enjoy true happiness, to feel true love, and to gaze in each other's eyes and embrace each other's soul. That's what I want, and for it, I would fight on, for me, for you, and for our story, one that I would love to weave.

It's a long road to love, but since I'm lost to you, I guess I wouldn't mind.

Symphonic trance.

I just realised this blog's almost gone dead, but don't fret! I'm never letting this die! See what a caring guy I am? K whatever. So anyway, since I have superb memory, I'm gonna write down the events on what happened in the past week, and believe me, they sure are detailed, well, for a few. :)


First thing's first, last week was pretty much boring, except for Saturday, when I watched the Anglican concert with my choir cliques, and thanks to it, my perception of High School Musical's changed! Well, now I don't really think it's gay, but just by a little. ( Actually, I realised it's because of Zac Efron that I think HSM is a huge disgrace. But I bet this statement would make his fangirls hunt me down. ) And Sunday, where I screwed up big time, and realised I got angry over nothing. Stupid? Exceptionally. But at least I did some good by helping Ian, and I swear it was bloody exciting as hell. Well whatever, I realised it's not detailed, but next paragraph yeah? :D

Monday! Had breakfast with the peeps, and I seriously swear I'm never taking Bus 9 again. Bloody cold shiet, made me tremble all the way to school. SO SCREW YOU BUS 9. At least it delivered me to Macs on time though, so that's the only good point. Went to confront Gabriel, didn't punch him, since I promised a certain somebody who is important to me. But shit, I seriously don't like the way he writes about her. After school, Mr Leong came to settle things, and Gabriel said his 'apology', what a little gay, student matters have to settle with teachers.

Tuesday was alright, lunched with the Band boys, wanted to sit in KFC, but there wasn't any playce, so ended up dining under the void deck. Then had choir as usual, and congrats to Petrina, Samuel, Liangdeng and Lorraine! For being President, Vice-president, Treasurer and Secretary respectively. For me, I'm certainly not glad to be an SL, have to take attendance and shit. PLUS, I CAN'T COME LATE FOR SATURDAY PRACTICES, IF NOT YONG'S COMING FOR MY HEAD. WTF CAN.

Wednesday.. Was awesome! Well, because I finally got to satisfy my craving for sushi, where we ate buffet at Sakae, and I seriously think people should really learn from me how to eat at buffets - simply, by eating 21 plates of sushi or more - which is soooooo value for money. Then hanged out with the guys in Yamaha while waiting for Wenqi and Petrina for their courses, and gayed around with Benedict Chen. I swear I got damn high, and fantastically, I slept on the wooden bench. But because of all that excitement, I ended up with an upset stomach at home. Even more fantastic.

And finally, today! Slept during Emaths, and got scolded, but fortunately, I got to sleep for a full hour for SS, and was able to have fun during EL. Shit man, I think I'm failing EL and SS at the rate things are going. Oh well, have to buck up! Then after school, KFC'd again, and because of it, was late for the choir 'meeting'. My sincere apologies to Petrina, hope you're not angry! I was just messing around with you. :D Then took bus to Parkway for tuition. As per normal, my maid was scolding me through SMS, although I don't know for what reason did she scold me for, but heck, she's hard to please.

Okay, lunch tomorrow with the guys and rehearsal for SC investiture after that. Plus I haven't studied for Amaths tomorrow. Hahaha! I'm sooo dead. ._. Oh well, I guess I'll have to depend on luck.

TAG REPLIES

Jing : Jealousy? :O

Stephanie : Indescriable-ly light right? And no remedial! YAY!

yourlovingsenior : Shush it, bitchhh.

aetiiqcaz : Haha! Linked. :D

val : Hey!

Daphne #7 : Sup 7!

Jessie : Haha thanks thanks! Linked!

RACHEL(: : Hahaha! Sorry, wasn't in the best mood that day. I'll promise to smile next time. :D

Alison : NO IT'S NOT!!

H. : Haha, thanks! Thanks!

Memoirs of a tragic happiness.

I'm definitely failing my promise of updating once a day, but it's okay since I make up for all the lost entries with one SUPERBLY long and detailed entry. :) But then again, it might blow up a few brain cells reading such a lengthy recount of my days. ... Now actually, that ain't so bad.

Anyway, Monday was pretty much a rollercoaster ride, me and Shankar had already plan what we wanted to do, and was pretty much dreaming of how good a day it would be. As funny as fate takes it as, it didn't turn out right. Every shit and trouble appeared, and all that brilliant thoughts of how the day would turn out just flippin' changed into a hellish nightmare. I shan't go into the details, since it's complicated, personal, and bloody shitty that re-typing it would make me relive all the nightmares of the Monday blues. Oh the joy. Ironically though, I still went ahead and go to Tmart. Did what I was supposed to do, and at least was able to smile on my way back home. What a contradictary paragraph that was.

Tuesday was pretty much worse. Had the same ol' boring lessons, maybe the only thing enjoyable was our skit for english, since it was bloody obscene, and crude as hell. Then, had SS test, which I wanted to cheat, but Gandhi, being the smart-ass he is, ruined my plans of
'SUPERSTEALTHYANDUNBELIEVABLE' cheating. Really wanna express how I feel, but life's too short to get angry at small things about. So take a chill pill Eric, chillllllllll. And seriously, I thought I did, till choir came along. And the bad moments just keep coming, first Monday, second Gandhi, and third, what the fuck? The Sec 4s have to leave the choir because of the O's? FUCK YOU! You're trying to say that all the practices were for nothing?! And you brush off all this as if it was nothing!? ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE!? My God, if you guys are teachers, at least be a little bit more intelligent than those dogs out at the street? Another reason why I think teachers should deserve to rot in hell and BURN LIKE A FUCKING PIG.

[/endrantandallmyangersinceihavetochilllikenow]

At least today was great, lessons aren't that boring if you actually pay attention, and hung out with old friends. Pretty awesome day, since it was a breath of fresh air to the retarded 2 days I had before. Then had lunch and walked around Tmall. I swear, I died and went to heaven. Should not talk about it, since it's kinda embarassing, but at least I enjoyed myself. *smiles widely*

So yeah, the week's been a bitch, so much for a better week huh?

TAG REPLIES

Yang : LOL, HOW IRONIC!

Stephanie : I'm. Eric. DAMMIT!

H. : You're missing the point, I AM funny. And I sing splendid, thank you.

yourlovingsenior : There's only one reason choir would die, and that's when your batch graduates. Seriously, this choir has no hope.

Shankar : MANLOVE! And the only reason I type you guys' name is because if I wrote the others' name, my blog would go dirty. :( OKAY JOKING.

Jing : HAHA! OOH JING OOH JING! Shit, Derrick's gonna be mad.