Hate = Love + Jealousy.

Kickstart my heart.

2009-09-23T08:30:00.000-07:00

www.quadrose.wordpress.com

Let's hope it doesn't die anytime soon.

Finale.

2009-07-18T09:41:00.000-07:00

As bad as things go, as cruel as the world seems to be, as hopeless as you feel, somehow or the other, sooner or later, everything's gonna be all right.

Amen.

Apathy.

2009-07-13T06:59:00.001-07:00

My heart is a huge black matter, that requires nothing, needs nothing, and feels nothing. I view life as it is, always passing and ever changing, while I just stand there and watch everything flash by - Life, love, studies, importance, responsibility, friends, family, the world. I try to reach out to it, to grab them as they come by, to make them stop, and let me have a chance to be with them. But they just keep passing, one by one, and my hands aren't fast enough to catch them, to grab them. What can I do?

Nothing.

I try to force my legs to move, but it won't. I try to reach farther, but my hands can only take me so far. I try to shout, but my mouth does not open. I try to try, but I did not. What should I do?

Nothing.

Is this what I want? No, I want to be able to enjoy what others enjoy, I want to be able to enjoy happiness, sadness, rage, peace, fear and security. What should I do?

Nothing.

And so instead of giving chase to the ever-changing time, I drop my hand, and cock my head back in disappointment. What would I do?

Nothing.

I raise my head again, and once again witness how everything passes by my life. I don't try to catch it, I don't even feel sad for it. I just let it pass, what does it matter anyway?

Everything.

But what do I do?

Nothing.

'The saddest apathy is not one which you don't care about the world, it's one which you don't even start to care about yourself.'

I guess I've reached that point.

Evil.

2009-07-07T06:31:00.000-07:00

Lesser evil desire superiority and worship of the people, they ensue chaos and instill fear into the people's heart, but does not ultimately kill, instead downgrade the people to befit their thirst for superiority. Their rampage is triggered and fueled by a great sense of inferiority complex, insecurity and their need for attention.

Moderate evil desire money and their own bodily needs, they too ensue chaos and controls with fear, without killing, but makes use of the fear in the mass to get their wants. Their rampage is triggered and fueled by greed, lust and the personality of a hedonist.

Evil desires life and blood, they do not mean to ensue chaos, but in their run, they unwillingly cause it. They have no sense of remorse, no sense of disgust and no sense of shame in their doings, they have no value for human life, and treats it as a mere consumable to feast their bloodthirst. Their rampage is triggered and fueled by rage, bloodthirst, grudge and sometimes insanity.

Greater evil desire chaos, they do not bother about anything else, they just want to see the world burn. They kill if need be, steal if need be, assault if need be, but all these are secondary. What is primary for them is to destroy the society the government has build, and watch as how the situation evolves. They have totally no remorse, no value for human life, and no feelings whatsoever. Their huge apathy for anything in the world leads them to find no interest in life or the world, and their only sense of happiness is watching the world crumble. Their rampage is triggered and fueled by a sense of nihilism, apathy and pure thirst for destruction.

True evil desire nothing. They do not bother about any single thing that goes on with or in the world, or even bother with anything or anyone. Their mind and soul is a complete blank that has no end, no needs, no nothing. They have no aim, no wants for chaos, no needs for destruction. Their life is a question mark, and they are seen as someone very caring or kind in this society, who listens and is a great advisor, and this they learn from others, and copy them outright. For they are just an empty vessel, capable of doing nothing, and yet everything at the same time.

The lesser their intent for committing all these treacheries, the deadlier they are. Like the saying goes 'the most evil does not show they're evil'.

Don't Trust Me.

2009-05-30T08:20:00.000-07:00

Dont Trust Me - 3OH!3

Black dress with the tights underneath
I've got the breath of the last cigarette on my teeth
And she's an actress(actress)but she ain't got no need
Shes got money from her parents in a trust fund back east

Tongues always pressed to your cheeks
While my tongue is on the inside of some other girl's teeth
And tell your boyfriend
If he says he's got beef that I'm a vegetarian
And I ain't fucking scared of him

She wants to touch me, wahoo
She wants to love me, wahoo
She'll never leave me, wahoo wahoo hoo hoo
Don't trust a hoe
Never trust a hoe
Won't trust a hoe
Cos' a hoe won't trust me

She wants to touch me, wahoo
She wants to love me, wahoo
She'll never leave me, wahoo wahoo hoo hoo
Don't trust a hoe
Never trust a hoe
Won't trust a hoe
Cos' a hoe won't trust me

X's on the back on your hand
Wash them in the bathroom to drink like the bands
And the set list(set list)
You stole off the stage
Has red and purple lipstick all over the page

Bruises cover your arms shaking in the
Fingers with the bottle in your palm
And the best is(best is)
No one knows who you are
Just another girl, alone at the bar!

She wants to touch me, wahoo
She wants to love me, wahoo
She'll never leave me, wahoo wahoo hoo hoo
Don't trust a hoe
Never trust a hoe
Won't trust a hoe
Cos' a hoe won't trust me

She wants to touch me, wahoo
She wants to love me, wahoo
She'll never leave me, wahoo wahoo hoo hoo
Don't trust a hoe
Never trust a hoe
Won't trust a hoe
Cos' a hoe won't trust me

Shush girl, shut your lips
Do the Hellen Keller
And talk with your hips

I said shush girl, shut your lips
Do the Hellen Keller
And talk with your hips

I said shush girl, shut your lips
Do the Hellen Keller
And talk with your hips

She wants to touch me, woo hoo
She wants to love me, woo hoo
She'll never leave me, woo hoo woo hoo hoo
Don't trust a hoe
Never trust a hoe
Won't trust a ho, that won't trust me

She wants to touch me, woo hoo
She wants to love me, woo hoo
She'll never leave me, woo hoo woo hoo hoo
Don't trust a hoe
Never trust a hoe
Won't trust a hoe, that won't trust me

Flurry.

2009-05-18T06:27:00.000-07:00

My heart craves. My mind is contented.

My heart's calm. My mind's a swirl.

My heart shatters. My mind recollects.

My heart loves. My mind lusts.

My heart's furious. My mind controls.

My heart pities. My mind dismisses.

They say reason is over emotion, but what if your mind can't think, and worst off, your heart can't feel?

I say let your mind feel, and your heart think.

On a lighter note.

2009-05-10T07:26:00.001-07:00

Although I tend to get on your nerves (and you on mine, hehehe.),
you've been a splendid mom, and I really wanna thank you for that.
And what better way to say that I love you on Mother's day right? :)
Happy Mother's day!

To Mom, with love.

Tormented.

2009-05-09T01:10:00.000-07:00

I don't get the way I live lately. Looking back, I was the kind of guy who was happy 24/7, happy with himself, and couldn't be bothered about the way the world looks at me.

I was so happy back then, then what happened? Self-conciousness starts to pop up, I judge myself in all my actions, deeming them right or wrong. The fear of being judged by others led me to judge myself even harsher, and ultimately, I killed myself before others could.

I wonder, what happened to the innocence and bliss that used to be there? Did it die out along the way, or was it never there? That all those halcyon days were mere woven lies?

Somehow, right now, it doesn't matter to me anymore, I can't be bothered to find these answers, and by the way things are, I don't think I ever would.

Give Me Novacaine.

2009-04-26T07:10:00.000-07:00

give me novacaine - Green Day

Take away the sensation inside
Bittersweet migraine in my head
It's like a throbbing toothache of the mind
I can't take this feeling anymore

Drain the pressure from the swelling
This sensation's overwhelming
Give me a long kiss goodnight
And everything will be alright
Tell me that I won't feel a thing
So give me Novacaine

Out of body and out of mind
Kiss the demons out of my dreams
I get the funny feeling and that's alright
Jimmy says it's better than here

I'll tell you what
Drain the pressure from the swelling
This sensation's over whelming
Give me a long kiss goodnight
And everything will be alright
Tell me I won't feel a thing
So give me Novacaine

Drain the pressure from the swelling
This sensation's over whelming
Give me a long kiss goodnight
And everything will be alright
Tell me Jimmy I won't feel a thing
So give me Novacaine

Borrowed time.

2009-04-23T07:40:00.000-07:00

Hey moon, please forget to fall down.

Even if it's for just a bit, cos' right now this is my happiness.

Let me enjoy it a tad longer.

Naught.

2009-04-20T08:13:00.000-07:00

I always had the feeling that my ideal type of living is where I only depend on myself, help others, save others, and cheer others. I wanted to shine, be unlike the rest, and think of others before me, that's what I thought was perfect, that's what I thought I will be, that's what I became.

However, the more I gave in to others, the more I let others win, the more I felt the pain and anguish dwell up inside me. I used to dismiss these calls by telling myself "you're not being sincere if you have these grudges", and somehow or the other, these thoughts diminish.

But now, these little calls, that tells me to exact revenge on my foes, to fulfill my lust, to satisfy my body, these mere little calls, have turned into a haunting voice that no longer fades away, one that lingers in that one particular corner of my mind, the one that keeps calling out to me, seducing me with it's own sweet promises. Not only did the sounds became more abundant, yet I felt as if what it said was true after all, that I should have a fair share in this world, that I should have that respect and authority I was granted.

It all looked perfect on paper, that I would put myself before others, and only cared about myself, I wouldn't care about this world a single bit. I mean, why should I? It didn't give a damn about me, I was suffering in the darkness trying my best to take away the darkness that clouded the people I cared for, but nobody, no single freaking person gave me gratitude for it.

Then somehow, that young kid that brought about the thoughts of equality, happiness and conforming to others kicked in, and somehow that perfect plan of being apathetic suddenly crashed, and thoughts of guilt and disgust gushed out, tearing the very essence of my soul. I couldn't bear the pain, I wanted to run, I wanted to hide, I wanted to die.

After a whole lot of time of finding myself, I pieced my mind back together, picked myself off the ground, and decided that change will come. So it did, for the better, but that joy was short-lived. Soon, that gripping call of the devil came back, this time harder than ever, and much harder to resist.

My unselfish thoughts clashed with selfish thoughts of mine, and what manifested was a huge gaping hole in my chest, that wanted everything, that needed everything, that would consume everything, just wishing for the pain to go away. I tried fighting it back, but countless times it came back, and devoured me whole again.

Something then kicked me real hard, my religion. It said that the human flesh is weak, but the spirit is strong, and that one should not live by his own powers, but rely on God's. It made perfect sense, it seemed like the perfect solution, it was the perfect solution, and I searched for it, but still, it all comes down to naught, and that manifestation of emptiness within me was far from quenched.

Even now, this pain still lingers, the void in my chest, the feelings of hedonism, the torment that would rip me apart. Maybe I should stop living on my own power, and submit to God, but even after I did, that salvation I still search for seems like a mirage, one that can never be grasped.

Or was it my mistake all the while? That even when I surrendered myself to God, deep in my heart I still had these thoughts of relying on myself, and that placed a barrier between me and God? Or was it all the while, I had never even mean to surrender to God, and only at times of need I came up to him, merely treating him like a panacea for my pains?

I need answers, I need salvation, I need God.

2009-04-13T04:39:00.000-07:00

Eyes On Me - Faye Wong

Whenever I sang my song
On the stage, on my own
Whenever I said my words
Wishing they would be heard.

I saw you smiling at me
Was it real or just my fantasy?
You'd always be there in the corner
Of this tiny little bar

My last night here for you
Same old songs, just once more
My last night here with you?
Maybe yes, maybe no
I kind of liked it your way
How you shyly placed your eyes on me
Oh did you ever know?
That I had mine on you

Darling, so there you are
With that look on your face
As if you're never hurt
As if you're never down
Shall I be the one for you
Who pinches you softly but sure
If a frown is shown then
I will know that you are no dreamer

So let me come to you
Close as I wanna be
Close enough for me
To feel your heart beating fast
And stay there as I whisper
How I love your peaceful eyes on me
Did you ever know
That I have mine on you?

Darling, so share with me
Your love if you have enough
Your tears if you're holding back
Or pain if that's what it is
How can I let you know
I'm more than the dress and the voice
Just reach me out then
You would know that you're not dreaming

(Self-)absorbed.

2009-04-10T06:50:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I really cannot comprehend the behaviour of people, how they oh-so-freely judge people, discriminate the ones they barely know, and mock people as if it was a God-given right to them.

Some people call this 'attitude', and praise it for that person's security of themselves, and what puts them apart from the mass, how they're much more superior than the rest, more important than the rest.

You really think so? That's no 'attitude', that's being a bloody self-absorbed ignorant kid who is so insecure that their only form of security is to point out the faults of others while putting their very own flaws in blindsight, and in it find happiness, superiority and fulfillment.

Is this how people conform to the standards and peer-pressure these days, what they do to feel that they're in their comfort zone?

Well, good job, self-absorbed shits.

If.

2009-04-02T05:37:00.000-07:00

What if I died today, will anybody miss me?

What if I killed somebody today, will anybody forgive me?

What if I turned to something I loathe today, will anybody save me?

Even though this is a mere fraction of my imagination, still, tell me, will anybody do all this for me?

How important is one's existence, really?

Thinking of you.

2009-03-22T06:14:00.000-07:00

Thinking of You - Katy Perry

Comparisons are easily done
Once you've had a taste of
Perfection
Like an apple
Hanging from a tree
I picked the ripest one
I still got the seed

You said move on
Where do I go?
I guess second best
Is all I will know

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night?
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes

You're like an Indian summer
In the middle of winter
Like a hard candy
With a surprise center
How do I get better
Once I've had the best
You said there's
Tons of fish in the water
So the waters I will test

He kissed my lips
I taste your mouth
He pulled me in
I was disgusted with myself

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into

You're the best
And yes I do regret
How I could let myself
Let you go
Now the lesson's learned
I touched it I was burned
Oh I think you should know

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes

Looking into your eyes
Looking into your eyes
Oh won't you walk through?
And bust in the door
And take me away

Oh no more mistakes
Cause in your eyes
I'd like to stay
Stay

Happiness.

2009-03-18T08:56:00.000-07:00

Am I allowed to think about my own happiness?

'Yes, definitely.' Would be an answer people give straight on.

I lied, I'm sorry. Truth be told I'm still pretty much in love with her. So are you, and I know that my time is due, my chances are used up, and it's only right for me to give you the way. You're my friend, and I truly am wishing you all the best.

I'll forsake my happiness for friends any day. But right now, my human instincts are acting up, and I just don't feel like giving up on her just yet, but does that mean if I do that, if I pursue my happiness, I'll have to forsake you as a friend?

So then, tell me again, am I still allowed to think about my own happiness?

Hello.

2009-02-18T06:25:00.000-08:00

Hello - EvaneScence

Playground school bell rings
Again
Rain clouds come to play
Again
Has no one told you she's not breathing?
Hello I'm your mind
Giving you someone to talk to
Hello

If I smile and don't
Believe
Soon I know I'll wake
From this dream
Don't try to fix me
I'm not broken
Hello
I'm the lie living for you
So you can hide
Don't cry

Suddenly
I know I'm not sleeping
Hello
I'm still here
All that's left of yesterday

Oppose.

2009-02-11T07:12:00.000-08:00

Christianity is a religion, not a status quo.

You call yourselves Christian just for the sake of it, do you guys feel God, do you guys think about God? No? Then why the hell do you act like you're so holy, so pure, so clean?

It drives me nuts, it makes me sick. I don't know whether the devil got me this time round, but I hate it when people proclaim about the words of God and talk about him, but never actually going deeper. Call me a sinner, call me accursed, call me insane for all I care, but you people are just a bunch of pathetic fools who treat your Lord as a name for yourself.

Right now, it's either I hate how fake this world is, or I actually hate God himself. I don't know, I seriously don't.

Idealism or satisfaction?

2009-01-28T02:08:00.001-08:00

Taken from 'http://www.xgam.org/xenogears/encyclopaedia/index.php?topic=id'

The Ego (Latin word meaning 'I' or 'myself') is the personality of the individual, the part that everybody sees and knows about. The ego is the only part of the mind that anyone has any control over, and it is the only part of the mind that the individual is aware of.

The superego (German for over-me) is the conscience of the mind, an opposite force to the id, residing in the preconscious. It counteracts the selfish orders of the Id, with unselfish angelic thoughts, and thus the individual is balanced. Freud divided the superego into two forces, the conscious which was the unconscious reflection of the parent and responsible for dispensing mental punishments of guilt. And the Ego ideal, the ideal self-concept that is responsible for feelings of pride, and also gives a standard for the individual to live up to.

The Id is the most evil and primitive part of the mind, and has no personality of it’s own but has wishes and demands. It lurks deep down in the unconscious, and can only make it’s demands known to the conscious mind through symbolic dreams. It operates on the pleasure principle, that is, it seeks to obtain pleasure and avoid pain. Unsatisfied demands create tension. So release must be sought either through real solutions or through fantasy. Freud subdivided the Id into two parts. The Thanatos and the Libido. The Thanatos is the part of the mind that is the the death wish, a ball of violence radiating against both society and the individual. The Libido is the sexual desire of the individual found in dreams and feelings of lust.

The world needs a stronger Superego, and a weaker Id.

2008.

2009-01-07T07:37:00.000-08:00

Albeit a bit late, at least I'm writing this down. :)

Truthfully, 2008 didn't really start off well. 2007 ended in the train, with my parents, and it would've been much better if it weren't for the fact that they were quarelling. Yeah, it was pretty bad - fine, very bad.

The whole year in a nutshell was a huge rollercoaster ride, I got into a class which was half-filled with people I never knew existed in our school, yet I still made friends with most of them, and really had a blast of a time in 3r2, except for the occasional touching and groping, which I kinda enjoy.. sometimes. The guys and I, too, got closer through the year, amidst all the misunderstandings and quarrels we had, which ultimately bonded our friendship even more, and made us have faith in one another.

Then again, there's family. Throughout the year, Mom's job still showed no signs of her being able to return back to Singapore, and the only time I get to actually spend time with her is when she comes back to Singapore, or when Dad, brother and I visit her in Hongkong. Truly, I miss her, and I really can't imagine what it's like to be alone in a foreign country without your family by your side. I love my mom, she's a strong woman. However, because of the lack of presence of mom in Singapore, I began to get closer to my brother, often asking him for helps and actually talking about stuffs with him. The usual conversations we had that was full of shouting and spouting vulgarities actually turned into a real conversation between brothers about something they both are interested at, and I felt somehow closer to my brother, and I for once, appreciated him for being my brother.

Of course, there's also love. Love, wasn't really such a rollercoaster ride, as it was just downhill for the most part, or maybe for all parts. Digging up what was left months ago, I vowed my heart to a girl, someone who was beautiful, yet not one that was meant for me. I kept trying and trying, but still I fail. It went on like in any drama, waiting for the one you love, until finally she falls for you, until my feelings trembled and even I wasn't assured of my own feelings, towards her, and another two. Suddenly, love just went from being 'pure and innocent' to a whole new level of being complicated.

Then came New Year's Eve, the biggest letdown of a night in a year, and after last year's, I personally was kinda scared at how this year was gonna be. It started off alright, and amazingly, it became better. The countdown began, and fireworks filled the sky, and somehow, to me, time suddenly stood still for a moment, as I glanced around and saw that dad, mom and even brother (freakin' miracle), all their faces filled with happiness, as they await the coming of the new year, and then it struck me that it didn't matter anymore, how to spend the New Year's, I just wanted my family to be happy, and that's all there is to it. And as the countdown timer hit zero, the sky was in a blaze of colours as fireworks went off, people were screaming and shouting, and to not feel left out, we started too, hell, it didn't even matter what we were saying, we were just having one hell of a spectacular night.

And 2008, ended just like that.

Priority.

2008-11-23T05:14:00.000-08:00

I wrote in a few entries back about Sophia Court, how much I loved the place, and the things I did there when I was younger.

Yesterday, I heard from my dad that my brother was meeting an old neighbour of ours, Francis, he was a close friend of my brother's when we lived in Sophia years ago. I remembered how we used to play catching, how he always came to our house to play the PS1, and how he made Lego creations with me.

Well, that's beside the point. What really hit me was what my brother said today, after I met him for the day. Normally, I'll ask him what he did, and his reply is a short 'nothing much', or 'shut up', or an occasional 'need to know for what'. However, his reply was different this time round, he said 'We went to Sophia Court to hang out' and the next four words that I can clearly remember 'I miss that place'.

Simply put, those four words made me think about Sophia Court again. Truthfully saying, I was better off when I was living there. The innocence, the brilliance and the seclusion made me focus on what was important in life - family, friends and love. Although I have to admit, moving here to Marine Parade was a great choice, it gave me a chance to make new friends in a new school, which further lead me to find true friends like Mathew and the likes. And more, like propelling me to enter Ngee Ann Secondary, which has been an enjoyable rollercoaster ride this past three years, with both heartbreaks and joy. It opened up my eyes, and led me to enjoy other things that the world has to offer.

However, with these possibilities, albeit that it's enjoyable, it acts like a hindrance, it pulled my eyes away from the more important things in life. I'm guilty for always spending time with my friends that I always end up forgetting about my parents, that I always come home late at night, and even then, I'll be hooked onto the computer, playing away. Whenever my mom or dad comes home, I always just welcome them, and totally forget about them, to the point that I don't even realise they've come back home sometimes. The only wake up call I had for that was when mom was sent to Hongkong to work, only then did I realise the times I didn't spend well, and all the times I wasted doing worthless stuffs while I could've been going out or just chatting with my parents, my mom especially.

Then there's friends. With the growing circle of friends, I tend to forget those I truly appreciate, and I only tend to realise when I hear them talking about stuffs which I totally have no clue about, which I would've wished I could've experienced it with them too, then and there. It hurts to be left out, and even worse when you're left behind.

And finally, love. Although I didn't develop feelings or a liking to anybody then, I sure wished I was like that forever. I've had my heart taken a few times, and loved someone truly once, but sadly, love shun it's eyes on me, and it always ends up in heartbreak. In a way, saying that I wished to stay like the old times - when love wasn't in the picture, is another way of me saying that I never wanted to feel the pain.

In life, like my father always say, we have to set our priorities right. One example he likes to use is that whenever it's exams, don't play, forget it, and just study - that's your priority. However, from his teachings, I've placed it in a bigger scale, in life - to always remember to love, to always appreciate your family, and to always remember those friends who stood up for you in times of need.

Fragility.

2008-10-07T22:19:00.000-07:00

Love is like a kite, the harder you pull it, the easier it breaks.

True, I live by this principle, always taking caution, and never forcing it. But what I forget is that, even though the string never breaks, if you don't ever pull it forcefully even once, your kite would just be pulled by the wind, and be gone in an instant.

And that's how tragic it is, to see you go, right in front of my very eyes.

Hedgehog's dilemma

2008-09-22T01:33:00.000-07:00

Whenever it reaches winter, hedgehogs instead of gathering around to keep themselves warm, puts themselves far away from one another, bracing the grim cold on their on.

The reason is not because they don't want to, but instead, because they can't. The more they try to hug one another to keep themselves warm, the more their spikes pierce through their loved ones, and ironically, in exchange for love and warmth, they end up killing the very ones they wished to protect.

Human relationships, are the same too. People, in fear of receiving and afflicting pain too, are held back in opening their hearts, and loving the ones they treasure with everything they have. With this, they walk away from those they love, and isolate themselves in a space that is void of not only pain and agony, but also happiness.

However, love's not like that. The 'spikes' that pierces our loved ones are but a shell, that all humans carry, a 'shield' to protect our hearts from getting hurt, one that afflicts pain to aggressors, keeping them away. In actuality, the problem is not with intimacy, that we get so close and tear each other apart, no - the problem is that people, are so afraid of hurt, that the only way they can avoid it is to hurt others, which in turn, hurts themselves even more.

Love ain't just about loving someone, it's about trust. Breaking out of your shell, and believing that the other party won't do anything that would cause you pain or agony.

But it's not as easy as it seems. Cos' in such a world that we live in, people are too afraid to open up their hearts, and the cycle of pain just goes on again. After all, we all are slaves of the fear of agony.

TAG REPLIES
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Memoirs.

2008-09-10T04:20:00.000-07:00

9 years ago, I lived in a small private apartment complex called Sophia Court, located up on the hill above Cathay Cineplex. It wasn't too fancy, no advanced facilities, just a small swimming pool accompanied by a few barbeque pits. Everyday, before school, I would have to climb a flight of stairs to get to the main gate, before being fetched by the schoolbus. It used to be tiring, although now, I think that I can climb it with ease.

The place was nice. Everyday after school, I would head down to the 2nd floor of my block, and play games like badminton or catching with my friends, Valerie, sister Ginny, Frances and the 2 guys who lived on the 6th floor, whom sadly, I can't remember their names. I had fun, I always did, and whenever dinner was ready, my parents would call out to me and ask me to come back up, which I reluctantly did.

My house wasn't small, but it wasn't too big either. I slept in the same room as my parents and brothers, and my grandmother and my maid slept in another room, due to the lack of rooms available. The living room wasn't too big, but it had a glass cabinet full of my toys, standing there neat and dandy in all their glory. The kitchen was behind the living room, beside the front door, and it could only accomodate a maximum of 2 people, and the dining room was beside the living room, with a wall fully made of mirrors, which can be said to have attributed for my vanity. I liked the place, it had a cosy feeling, one that made you wanna go home to.

Outside, was another flight of stairs which would lead down below to the main road, coming out exactly beside the new Cathay Cineplex. Believe me, it was a long road down, and up. Plaza Singapura wasn't this huge last time, it was slightly smaller, and there was a walkway that connected the Dhoby Ghaut MRT opening beside Parklane Mall to it, which was covered with flower beds of different colours, with radiant and soft orange lights lighting the path, giving it a very warm and welcoming ambience.

I attended a kindergarten which was further up, located at Mount Emily Park, called Pat's schoolhouse. It was a pretty cool place, I mean, for someone who's 5years old. Everyday, mornings would be filled with learning sessions, and afternoons, either a walk in the park or swimming time, followed by a nap before tea break followed shortly by another round of games for an hour or so before finally being 'dismissed'. I loved the way it used to be so carefree, so happy.

But that, like what I said, was 9 years ago. And truthfully, it only felt like yesterday that I was walking up the ridiculously long flight of stairs with my grandmother, or coming back home late at night with my dad after going out to Parkway, which ironically, became my 'neighbour'. Actually, I long for the day, when I get to go back, to how it used to be, and enjoy everything once more, just like the old days. I want to go back, but sadly, that's never gonna happen. Maybe these might just be small things, but in the long run, they turn from minor, to major.

And sadly, sometimes we move too fast in life, that we forget to cherish the simplest and most minor of things.

TAG REPLIES
$Y@laLA [SYAHIRAH 1R7] : I'll try. :S
Nasir : Haha yup!
Samuel : Lazy, sorry boss! ._.
passerby : Uh huh.
SWEEKEE : I very fast one. :O
PEARLYN : Hey.
JANICE : UPDATED! OMFG!
Cleo : Yeah sure, blood. -.-
Jocelyn : Uh.. sure? This is?
saddist : Haha, of course! Zai english mah. :D
tian : OMFG WCG STANDARD!
SANDY : Yeah sureeee. -.-

Why so serious?

2008-08-29T04:15:00.000-07:00

Great day, yet disappointed at the same time. Oh well, there's always a next time. :) Had fun though, and thanks for the encouragements guys!

TAG REPLIES
Samuel : HAHA SAM!
tian : Joke. -.- More like TheHoe. HAHA.
SWEEKEE : Yeah I know! Busy lah, haha, and not really.. Playing games actually, hahaha. And thanks! :D
JANICE : Since I know you guys are from track?
yat : Sup man. :)
misheru : Haha, it's okay what. :D Nah you aren't, and thanks! :D
PEARLYN : Alright.

Imbecile.

2008-08-02T00:02:00.000-07:00

It didn't feel like a dream, it didn't feel imaginary. In fact, it felt pretty darn real and reasonable.

Truthfully, I didn't really give it a single thought when you said it was not possible, and neither did I feel sad. Maybe I conjured these sadness into a state of denial, but at that point in time, I couldn't care less about what's happening, I couldn't care less of losing you. I just treated every single day as normal, and totally blanked my mind of anything do to with you.

But little did I know, that actually, it's tearing me up inside. Days pass and weeks fly, and bit by bit, I felt insanely ridiculous, I felt empty, I felt distant from the world and myself, I felt lost. But I just brushed it off, although I knew that it had to do with something about you. And guess what, I was right.

Now, the dream wasn't violent or sadistic like my previous post, nor was it far-fetched. Truth be told, it was real as hell, and that's why it hurts so bad.

It was a simple dream. I dreamed about the worst thing that could happen to you when you like a person - no, not her dying, dammit. But it was close, I lost her, to another guy.

Shit, I didn't carry the same attitude as in real life. I felt frustrated, I felt like blowing my brain to a million pieces seeing you cuddle with that lover of yours, I felt insane, I felt crestfallen, I felt.. That I lost something very dear to me, and I know it's never coming back, that it's disappearing away from my world, and sadly, I think it was the right choice for her to do so.

I woke up, and even after such a bad dream, I felt back to reality, I felt that I'm being true to my feelings, that as much as I want to forget her, I can't. And that was basically the only point in time in these couple of months that I felt really afraid of losing you.

But sadly, unlike fairytales we're so used of hearing, the vagabond didn't try to win the princess' heart. No, instead, he's letting her disappear, right before his very eyes, wanting to do something to salvage it, but never having the guts to do it. And I hate myself for that, that I'm not strong enough to fight for the ones I treat dear, not being courageous enough to stand after falling, and the one I despise most about myself was, that I didn't try my best in winning her heart. And I guess, that dream was right after all, I'm a scumbag, it's only right that she chooses someone else, someone who'd be able to give his all for her - her prince charming.

And sadly, I'm never gonna be that guy.

TAG REPLIES
SWEEKEE : You know, I don't know. ._. Unless..?
saddist : LOL WHAT TIAN SAID!
tian : Hehehe, I rock more can! :O
Jayne : Haha, maybe when I've got some good ones. :) Besides, I'm not photogenic HAHA.
JANICE : WALL OF SPAM, OMFG. And nope, don't know how you look like.
Nasir : Sup noob.
m0nkey : HAHA, really meh!?
som1 : HMM! Misheru!? Hahaha, why sia. -.-
dust blower :D : Tsk! Not dead yet okay!

Dreams and nightmares.

2008-07-30T06:41:00.001-07:00

What are dreams? Are they a manifestation of your inner thoughts? A metaphor of what you have been? Or are they just a preview of what you ever wished for?

Then again, what are nightmares? Are they dreams gone wrong? Or are they just your manifestation of your deepest, darkest secrets? Or maybe just your fear taking control.

Personally, I don't know. But I sincerely hope it's none of the above, and they're just random things that flood your head. Because if they were a manifestation of your thoughts or secrets, or maybe a metaphor of what you feel.. Then why does my dreams these days reek of killing and death..?

No, I'm not lying, and no, I'm not exaggerating. Maybe I've lost some of the details, but they're not too far from what I dreamt about. So please bear with me on my.. gruelling description.

First, it happened quite a long time ago, around 2 weeks ago, right when I came back from Hongkong. It was pretty vague, a bunch of guys said they had problems with how I acted and came to 'settle things'. And before you know it, it went horribly wrong. I went ahead and pull a punch on their 'leader's' face, slamming his face till it was bleeding, then smacking his face down on the floor, totally rupturing his nose, before I grabbed a metal plank and smashed it on his face. ( Which I must admit felt pretty darn good. ) Then it flashed to a scene I ripped his clothings apart and impaled the plank somewhere guys are weak at. What was infront of me was a boy, with a bleeding head that's slightly twitching, tears running down his cheeks, and a burst bladder. His expression showed fear, trauma and the lost of will to live. Call me crazy, but looking at a dying person in his eyes gave me a burst of laughter in that nightmare of mine.

Next, which happened exactly 3 days ago. Me and a group of friends slaughtered this clan of assassins, not sparring the kids and toddlers. What really got me disgusted was that, I ripped apart 3 children's bodies, stuffed them in a suitcase, guts and all, threw it to a guy who went hysterical after seeing the contents, then blew up a hole in his head. It didn't end there, I got hunted down, although I killed a few men and women alike, and totally dismembered their body, finally got taken down. Woke up in cold sweat.

Finally, 2 days ago. A search was initiated for a criminal who's infamous for a massacre that cost 30 people their lives. The chase was finally narrowed down to a mall, and successfully, we captured him. Everything looked alright, just a normal Cop-and-criminal situation, but somehow, it looked as if the cop went criminal. The next few minutes were a blur, but I remembered vividly that I started to grab a foldable chair and with sheer force, brutally swing it straight to his face. His skins ripped, his skull cracked, but he was still, laughing? My adrenaline and fear came into play, and I started to crack his neck, break his bones, tear his guts out, and pop his eyes off their socket. True enough, the cop went criminal, the last one laughing was me.

You know, this experience really made me think who I really am, maybe there's a darker and more.. Violent side of me? But what I really fear is that, this violence and sadism that's only expressed in my dreams would come into reality, and turn me into something I loathe.

TAG REPLIES

gilbert : Hehe, you wish! :D

Lucia : Oh hi! Relinked.

R:D : Suppppppp.

SWEEKEE : :D

tian : POSTED AGAIN! @!(&!@(&@#!

som1 : No la, just for fun only. Haha. You are?

Come Sweet Death.

2008-07-26T09:32:00.000-07:00

Come Sweet Death - Arriane
I know, I know I've let you down
I've been a fool to myself
I thought that I could live for no one else
But now through all the hurt and pain
It's time for me to respect
The ones you love mean more than anything

So with sadness in my heart
(I) feel the best thing I could do
Is end it all and leave forever
What's done is done it feels so bad
What once was happy now is sad
I'll never love again
My world is ending

(Chorus)
I wish that I could turn back time
Cos' now the guilt is all mine
Can't live without the trust from those you love
I know we can't forget the past
You can't forget love and pride
Because of that it's killing me inside

(Refrain)
It all returns to nothing
It all comes tumbling down,
tumbling down, tumbling down
It all returns to nothing,
I just keep letting me down,
letting me down, letting me down

In my heart of hearts
I know that I could never love again
I've lost everything, everything
Everything that matters to me,
Matters in this world

(Chorus)

(Refrain)

So yeah, a whole month of hiatus, and finally a blogpost that's 70% music lyrics. I am cool. :O So anyway, lotsa things happened during the past month, but I'm too tired to described them since it's 12am in the morning, and I don't really wanna recount bad memories. So yea.

I'll try to keep this blog alive, all for the sake of my promise with Tian Hoe! :O SO YES TIANHOE, I SHALL FULFILL MY PROMISE. :D

TAG REPLIES

saddist : -.- Gayshit.

Jasmine and NjK : Linked!

eric fren : Yea I know! Sorry!

germ : :O YOU WHORE.

tian : Heheh, see finally post!

SWEEKEE : Matters resolved. :)

Another revival post : Affairs of the heart.

2008-06-23T07:07:00.000-07:00

I miss her face, I miss her smiles, I miss her frowns, I miss the way I get ignored sometimes, I miss the awkward silences we had together, I miss the way she throws stuffs at me, I miss the times we talked, I miss the times we joked about how she loves Korean superstars, I miss the goodbyes she says sometimes, I miss the times I start panicking near her, I miss the way she talks, I miss the way she looks away and avoid me ( I'm a pervert worrrzxz ), and I miss the times she calls herself the cutest. Heck, I agree.

I miss her, and whatever happened to those times? You feel so.. distant now. Whatever happened? You're not opening your heart to me anymore.

TAG REPLIES

NoObYsHyT : I FINALLY POSTED! :O And no, it's not girly, it's elegance.

Jiakang : Old joke! :D

Jacinta : Not anymoreeeeeee!

Jing : OMFG, I DID, 1 MONTH HIATUS LOL.

Revival post : Live, my dear.

2008-05-23T08:04:00.000-07:00

I know I've not been blogging lately, and it's all due to my laziness, tight schedule and addiction to Maple. Yes, Maple, amazing no? So anyway, I know it's pretty late, but I just have to pen down my thoughts on the event that shocked the world today - the Earthquake in China.

I saw the pictures, I read the stories, and I felt the emotions of the people in the pictures, the people who wrote the article, and the people who died. I'm not trying to be cheesy, but seriously, I felt a sense of emptiness and sympathy when I saw the pictures of all the dead bodies, emptiness as it showed me how fragile life is, and sympathy as it showed me perfect examples of people who couldn't live long enough to see the generations ahead of them. It tore me apart, and it made me feel so.. humane, for once.

Personally, about a year ago, whenever I read about people dying, hearing news about people surviving a tragedy by going through extreme measures, I'll just go 'wow' and totally forget about it. But now, after encountering a near-death situation, I realised how much fear and agony those people felt at the brink of death, and how much desperation they felt to live again.

Yet, I see people with fully functional bodies, caring friends and families, and a silver spoon fed to their mouth, and all they do is whine about how tough their lives are, and that how they oh so wish to die and be 'free' from the stress and suffering of life. And I question myself - Why oh why, are humans such ironic creatures?

Humans tend to take for granted whatever they have in abundance, yet they treasure what's disappearing right before their very eyes. Yes, we see people down in the streets smoking away, even young people sometimes. And again I ask myself - Why? Why are these people throwing away their lives? Then again we see people in the hospital who're gasping their last breath and giving all their fortune and riches, just to be able to live for a few mere hours more. I felt disgusted at the way humans live nowadays, and the way we throw off this precious gift like it's nothing. It gave me a revelation, a revelation to live.

And hence I end the first post after a long hiatus, please do forgive me if it's quite deranged, since I'm currently having a lot of things on my mind right now.

TAG REPLIES

To everyone : I'm sorry! I know I have not been a faithful blogger, it's just that sleep is much more tempting. ._.

minren : OF COURSE I DO!! How'd you find my blog man!? :D

tian and saddist : Hahahahah... ha ._. maybe next time.

Death's symphony. / Monday blues.

2008-04-21T06:41:00.000-07:00

I was reading through myths, legends and cult believes over at Wikipedia, and realised that there's a certain topic most things revolve around - death.

As a child, I feared of dying, of venturing into the unknown, dark and still silence of the world beyond. Yet I also feared the concept of an end, sure, most people say that living life to the fullest and finally dying, enjoying an eternal slumber would be nice. But personally, I found it to be the most scary and nightmarish concept ever. Just an end, no life, no meaning, no feelings, no nothing. Would that what you want your ending to be? Nothing?

As I grew, I got into religion, and learnt about heaven or hell, gladly enough, it changed my way of thinking, and it gave me a 'happiness' about dying. Being able to meet God in heaven, rejoicing eternal life with my loved ones in paradise, wasn't really a bad idea. Sure enough, this fear was subsided, but then another fear arised - life.

Yes, life. Now that I think about death, sure it would be pretty happy, but what about the people left on earth? The people who were there at your grave, crying their hearts out, the people who've lived with you all these while, and then lose you just like that, what happens to them? Sure they might move on, but isn't it by itself a big blow to their soul? Time heals, yes, but how long? Thinking about this, really made me scared about my life, I'm scared that I'll die and have not tried everything I wanted to try in this life of mine. I'm scared that there's so many things left unsaid, to the people I love, the ones that I care for, and the ones that I adore. It made me realise how life in itself is scary, for you're given the chance to say everything you always wanted to, but never realising how much you'll end up saying before coming to an ending.

I told myself, that life's too short and unpredictable, so whatever I wanna do, do it now, don't regret never doing it, instead regret ever doing it. Cos' life's too short to think about.

Looking back, I have this to regret, that too often when I loved, I did not say so. -David Grayson

Today was pretty much alright, except for a few destructive mistakes. Yes, as again, I've screwed up pretty much everything, and now it's back to square one. Sigh, I seriously should think next time. Anyway didn't have breakfast with Shankar and co. because woke up late, so ended up meeting Rohail and the gang at Tmart CC before heading for school. At school, usual things happen, lessons, lessons, sleep, lessons. Then school ended and had lunch with Rachel and co. with Brayton and co., then left for home. Boring? You bet.

PS, I'm seriously seriously sorry for what I did. I know you might not be reading this, but I have to get this off my chest. I shouldn't have touched on such a touchy subject. My sincerest apologies.

TAG REPLIES

Mystigal : Haha, okay.

tian : Yea man! Sucks to be us, but we have to pull our spirits up! :D

Alison : SHAWN!? NO WAY. Sorry la, sudden urge to blog at night. ._.

flies : THANKS! Best of luck to you too!

Shankar : Lulz, k.

Irritated.

2008-04-20T07:21:00.000-07:00

The days have been going pretty slow, and the fact that I'm kinda down in the dumps doesn't really help. Midyears are a week away and I haven't started revising, haven't handed up all my late homeworks, and I can happily sit around and play my PSP. And what happens when I'm asked to study? I simply idle around and end up falling asleep. Bloody disappointed at myself.

Anyway, the past week was quite alright, wanted to play basketball before being called for the Current Affairs project meeting at 201 Mac, and I swear I was totally clueless. Then became the MC with Maisarah for the investiture, everything went well except for my last line for the day, which I embarassedly messed up and even more embarassingly didn't notice until the crowd laughed. So yea, short attention span. Went to Downtown east after that and had a blast with the SCs, met some new friends, ate lots of variety of food (which sucked by the way), and went crazy on the bus back home because of Liangrong. I swear his laugh if freaking hilarious and contagious. Reached home around 11.30pm, chatted with mom since she just came back from Hongkong then slept soundly after a hard day's work. :)

Friday, went to Wenqi's house to play WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII, YES, WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII. Played Resident evil but realised I suck at it and changed to Beijing Olympics 2008, which because of my fit body and strong arm muscles, got me to win most of the events, or maybe Petrina just sucks at the game. HAHAHA. Then went to Parkway to have lunch before going to Settler's cafe and realise it.. CLOSED DOWN! Went back to Parkway with nothing to do so just walked around before going home with a lethargic body. As expected, I fell asleep, unexpected, I OVERSLEPT! Woke up at 7.50pm and gonna have tuition at 8pm, so ended up not doing homework and told my teacher I had to 'study for Midyears'. Smart no? Hahaha.

Saturday, spent time with mom at home, although I was partially spending time with her and partially playing my PSP. I swear I have to arrange my priorities. -.- Anyway, went to cut hair, now it's all spiky but I like it! Then went for vocal training before having dinner with my family. THE CRAB AND CRAYFISH WAS FLIPPIN' HUGE. Seriously, No Signboard is the best in seafood man, value for money! :D Slept with a full stomach that day, and forgot to exercise before sleeping somemore. -.- Gain weighttttttttttttt sia.

And today! Woke up late for church, but SOMEHOW managed to get there in time. My father's a freaking lunatic in driving fast, man. The sermon was funny as hell, and after church went to help out the guys in keeping the sound system and instruments. Waited for the bible class to end and went home to spend time with mom.. AGAIN. Somehow fell asleep at home when I'm supposed to study and woke up to send mom off. Went back home and did some Maths homework and finally here blogging. Abrupt week, I feel that I'm wasting my time and not making full use of it. Sigh, I seriously should start working hard these days.

Oh well, off to homework again! :D

PS, MY DAD'S GOING TO JAPAN! WTFWTFWTF!?!? AWESOME LA, SOMEMORE AT THIS TIME OF THE YEAR. If it wasn't the exam period, I would have gladly gone. -.-

TAG REPLIES

yourlovingsenior : Dude, shut up. -.-

aetiiqcaz : Well, WANTED TO. :D

Jacinta : Heylooooooo!

tian : SUP! Dota is always fun with me around. Hahaha.

RACHEL(: : HAHAH! You wish! And yea I'll try my best to update frequently.

Alan : Haha! We both must study hard then!

Jolene : YES YES YES! I know my blog's nice to read! Hahaha, but seriously, I have to update.

Victor-ia(: : Haha thanks! Linked by the way.

shuqi : Hey! How'd you find my blog? Hahaha.

saddist : Coming from you, that's kinda ironic. HAHAH!

flies : Thanks! Good luck to you too. :)

Show me love.

2008-04-18T09:13:00.000-07:00

I'm tired of finding my way to you from where I am now, I'm sick of losing my way all the time, and always having to go back to where I was before, I'm sick of cutting through the vines that connects me to you, and knowing that it's never-ending, I'm sick of reaching out to you, but your hands aren't out for me to grab. I'm tired, tired of love.

It used to be so sweet, and it used to be beautiful. Really, I thought I had a chance, but only now do I realise I'm nothing compared to him. I know I have to fight on, to press on, then only can I reach out to her, but how long? How much longer must I keep on fighting a losing battle till a miracle comes? I feel like giving up, I really do, I don't even know myself and my feelings anymore, I don't know whether I should keep fighting on, or just walk away like everything else I did halfway, all the stupid mistakes and all the painful failures. What must I do? What must I fight for?

Looking back, I really thank my friends for all the help they gave, all the hope and blessings they have and have given me, I seriously do. And I know if I give it all up now, it's not gonna be funny, it's not gonna be 'okay', hell, it'll tear me apart, and it'll put everything they did for me go to waste. Yet if I continue fighting on, I'll just slowly kill myself, maybe I'll even find more adversaries along the way, and sooner or later, I know I'll give it up.

But is this what I really want? Just giving it up? Sure, it might bring me peace and silence, but would it bring me happiness? Would it bring me the love, that I longed for? No, it won't. Love's all the way out there, amidst the pain, sorrow and tears. It's a long road there, and I've walked half of it. The journey's still long, and it's going to hurt more, but I know if I pull this through, I'd be the happiest guy alive. It would bring me happiness, I'm sure of it, but joy brings about pain and suffering, but only with them can happiness really be called happiness. The most painful happiness is the only true one, for without pain, happiness is undefined, and for without pain, nobody knows what happiness feels like.

I can't find my resolve yet, but I told myself I would do it. I will pull this through, and once I'm at the end, I'll look back and laugh at the old times, and realise what a fool I was. I don't want peace and serenity, I want the chance to be able to enjoy true happiness, to feel true love, and to gaze in each other's eyes and embrace each other's soul. That's what I want, and for it, I would fight on, for me, for you, and for our story, one that I would love to weave.

It's a long road to love, but since I'm lost to you, I guess I wouldn't mind.

Symphonic trance.

2008-04-10T06:09:00.000-07:00

I just realised this blog's almost gone dead, but don't fret! I'm never letting this die! See what a caring guy I am? K whatever. So anyway, since I have superb memory, I'm gonna write down the events on what happened in the past week, and believe me, they sure are detailed, well, for a few. :)

First thing's first, last week was pretty much boring, except for Saturday, when I watched the Anglican concert with my choir cliques, and thanks to it, my perception of High School Musical's changed! Well, now I don't really think it's gay, but just by a little. ( Actually, I realised it's because of Zac Efron that I think HSM is a huge disgrace. But I bet this statement would make his fangirls hunt me down. ) And Sunday, where I screwed up big time, and realised I got angry over nothing. Stupid? Exceptionally. But at least I did some good by helping Ian, and I swear it was bloody exciting as hell. Well whatever, I realised it's not detailed, but next paragraph yeah? :D

Monday! Had breakfast with the peeps, and I seriously swear I'm never taking Bus 9 again. Bloody cold shiet, made me tremble all the way to school. SO SCREW YOU BUS 9. At least it delivered me to Macs on time though, so that's the only good point. Went to confront Gabriel, didn't punch him, since I promised a certain somebody who is important to me. But shit, I seriously don't like the way he writes about her. After school, Mr Leong came to settle things, and Gabriel said his 'apology', what a little gay, student matters have to settle with teachers.

Tuesday was alright, lunched with the Band boys, wanted to sit in KFC, but there wasn't any playce, so ended up dining under the void deck. Then had choir as usual, and congrats to Petrina, Samuel, Liangdeng and Lorraine! For being President, Vice-president, Treasurer and Secretary respectively. For me, I'm certainly not glad to be an SL, have to take attendance and shit. PLUS, I CAN'T COME LATE FOR SATURDAY PRACTICES, IF NOT YONG'S COMING FOR MY HEAD. WTF CAN.

Wednesday.. Was awesome! Well, because I finally got to satisfy my craving for sushi, where we ate buffet at Sakae, and I seriously think people should really learn from me how to eat at buffets - simply, by eating 21 plates of sushi or more - which is soooooo value for money. Then hanged out with the guys in Yamaha while waiting for Wenqi and Petrina for their courses, and gayed around with Benedict Chen. I swear I got damn high, and fantastically, I slept on the wooden bench. But because of all that excitement, I ended up with an upset stomach at home. Even more fantastic.

And finally, today! Slept during Emaths, and got scolded, but fortunately, I got to sleep for a full hour for SS, and was able to have fun during EL. Shit man, I think I'm failing EL and SS at the rate things are going. Oh well, have to buck up! Then after school, KFC'd again, and because of it, was late for the choir 'meeting'. My sincere apologies to Petrina, hope you're not angry! I was just messing around with you. :D Then took bus to Parkway for tuition. As per normal, my maid was scolding me through SMS, although I don't know for what reason did she scold me for, but heck, she's hard to please.

Okay, lunch tomorrow with the guys and rehearsal for SC investiture after that. Plus I haven't studied for Amaths tomorrow. Hahaha! I'm sooo dead. ._. Oh well, I guess I'll have to depend on luck.

TAG REPLIES

Jing : Jealousy? :O

Stephanie : Indescriable-ly light right? And no remedial! YAY!

yourlovingsenior : Shush it, bitchhh.

aetiiqcaz : Haha! Linked. :D

val : Hey!

Daphne #7 : Sup 7!

Jessie : Haha thanks thanks! Linked!

RACHEL(: : Hahaha! Sorry, wasn't in the best mood that day. I'll promise to smile next time. :D

Alison : NO IT'S NOT!!

H. : Haha, thanks! Thanks!

Memoirs of a tragic happiness.

2008-04-02T07:45:00.000-07:00

I'm definitely failing my promise of updating once a day, but it's okay since I make up for all the lost entries with one SUPERBLY long and detailed entry. :) But then again, it might blow up a few brain cells reading such a lengthy recount of my days. ... Now actually, that ain't so bad.

Anyway, Monday was pretty much a rollercoaster ride, me and Shankar had already plan what we wanted to do, and was pretty much dreaming of how good a day it would be. As funny as fate takes it as, it didn't turn out right. Every shit and trouble appeared, and all that brilliant thoughts of how the day would turn out just flippin' changed into a hellish nightmare. I shan't go into the details, since it's complicated, personal, and bloody shitty that re-typing it would make me relive all the nightmares of the Monday blues. Oh the joy. Ironically though, I still went ahead and go to Tmart. Did what I was supposed to do, and at least was able to smile on my way back home. What a contradictary paragraph that was.

Tuesday was pretty much worse. Had the same ol' boring lessons, maybe the only thing enjoyable was our skit for english, since it was bloody obscene, and crude as hell. Then, had SS test, which I wanted to cheat, but Gandhi, being the smart-ass he is, ruined my plans of
'SUPERSTEALTHYANDUNBELIEVABLE' cheating. Really wanna express how I feel, but life's too short to get angry at small things about. So take a chill pill Eric, chillllllllll. And seriously, I thought I did, till choir came along. And the bad moments just keep coming, first Monday, second Gandhi, and third, what the fuck? The Sec 4s have to leave the choir because of the O's? FUCK YOU! You're trying to say that all the practices were for nothing?! And you brush off all this as if it was nothing!? ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE!? My God, if you guys are teachers, at least be a little bit more intelligent than those dogs out at the street? Another reason why I think teachers should deserve to rot in hell and BURN LIKE A FUCKING PIG.

[/endrantandallmyangersinceihavetochilllikenow]

At least today was great, lessons aren't that boring if you actually pay attention, and hung out with old friends. Pretty awesome day, since it was a breath of fresh air to the retarded 2 days I had before. Then had lunch and walked around Tmall. I swear, I died and went to heaven. Should not talk about it, since it's kinda embarassing, but at least I enjoyed myself. *smiles widely*

So yeah, the week's been a bitch, so much for a better week huh?

TAG REPLIES

Yang : LOL, HOW IRONIC!

Stephanie : I'm. Eric. DAMMIT!

H. : You're missing the point, I AM funny. And I sing splendid, thank you.

yourlovingsenior : There's only one reason choir would die, and that's when your batch graduates. Seriously, this choir has no hope.

Shankar : MANLOVE! And the only reason I type you guys' name is because if I wrote the others' name, my blog would go dirty. :( OKAY JOKING.

Jing : HAHA! OOH JING OOH JING! Shit, Derrick's gonna be mad.

Don't worry, tomorrow's gonna be a better day.

2008-03-29T17:44:00.001-07:00

I just realised I haven't been updating for 4 (maybe 3?) days. And the reason? Everytime I wanna update, I end up falling asleep. YES DAMMIT, ASLEEP! So being a responsible guy, I shall not let this blog to die, and hence, here's my post which is gonna be superrrr long. But still not as long as my stick. Okayyyyyyyyyy, back to posting.

Firstly, Friday was Sports day, woke up at 5.30am, and left house at 5.50am. Met up with Shankar, chatted around and Shankar had a call from Wenqi, saying she's already boarding the train. So me and Shankar was ready to hop in the MRT, but realised they weren't there. And so we waited and waited.. And after 5 trains having gone past, they were finally in that train. 5 TRAINS = BOARDING ALREADY!? WTH, GUY'S 'BOARDING' AND GIRL'S 'BOARDING' ARE TOTALLY OFF CAN.

Anyway, got scolded by Hui Hui for sitting down there and not doing my job as an SC, and reluctantly did my job, but at least I had fun shouting and screaming like some bastard. Hui Hui was best man, while the Chung Cheng girls were dancing, she shouted to me and said 'EH ERIC! STOP DROOLING LA! HAHAHAHA.' WTF! The whole Sec 1 cohort turned to me. I tell you, sibei paiseh bodoh. I was merely nodding my head, thinking 'Wow, good co-ordination!' and they mistook me as some bloody pervert or something. Wonderful, just wonderful.

Anyway, we practically got our ass handed to us by the other 3 schools. It was quite embarassing really, but at least we won some of the events, coming in 1st, although it was only for quite a few. Had lunch with Shankar and co., and Wenqi and co. allll the way at Plaza Singapura, personally, it wasn't really the best outing ever, but at least we enjoyed ourselves, even though a bit. Practically, that whole day, me and Shankar had something bugging us reallllll badly, and I was seriously just pissed off that whole day. But next week's gonna be a better week I guess, so I'll leave my worries and anger in the past, and venture out into the bright future. :)

PS, I'm soooooo sorry I felll asleep whilst messaging you. You know who you are, my apologies!

Saturday.. wasn't all that great either. Skipped choir, and my excuse was 'sunburn', pretty smart eh? BUT DON'T TELL ANYONE I LIED OKAY. Played Final Fantasy 7 Crisis Core the whole day, and bought additional weights and a spring bar thingamajic, where you have to hold the bar with both hands, and then push it in, seriously, I'm not that good at visuals, but at least you get the rough idea.. Right? And oh my gosh, fell asleep again whilst playing my PSP. Feel so lousy can. -.-

And which brings us to today. I'm hoping it's gonna be interesting, since I'm going to church and gonna hang out with them during the afternoon. Oh well, time to get ready, bye people!

TAG REPLIES

passerby : Confidential. :)

yourlovingsenior : I THOUGHT MAKING LOVE WHILE COUGHING WAS HEALTHY! And yeah, I wish I can take out the censor on the words. Meh, parental control. + I sooo agree with you on the 'eu' and 'you' thing. It's freakin' insane.

Alison : I didn't lor. -.-

anonymous : Forgive me for I have a tint of elegance then. :)

H. : I'm friendly as hell, only if you say I'm handsome though. But other than that, I don't see what's so unfriendly about me.

Awkward silence / Wednesday's a bitch again.

2008-03-26T07:28:00.000-07:00

They say harsh words break bones, but silence tears the flesh apart. It's amazing how she's just infront of me, yet all the words I wanted to say just vanish. It's too funny, actually, to be repeating the same ol' mistakes. And sometimes I ponder, 'If I really love her, why don't I make an effort?', and I never bring myself to the painful truth. But I guess I will anytime soon, if I don't start doing something to salvage this.

Being far is painful, but being so close, and yet unable to speak, is the most heartbreaking thing ever.

Anyway, today was really a killer, lessons were boring as hell, and my flu's still not cured yet. :( Slept during PoA even though I was right infront of the teacher, and went for detention after school from Wang Qiang. Amazingly, I only did detention for 15mins, thanks to the kiddos and girlios. Thanks guys! Love you(s)!

After my so called detention, we all went down to Parkway to eat, was quite in a rush, since Wenqi had electone at 5pm, but she went off first. Anyway, ate and went to Yamaha around 5.15pm, waited outside and had a great time talking *coughandbitchingcough* about people and things under the sun. After Petrina finished, we walked to Popular before splitting ways.

Chinese tuition at 8pm, believe me, I was pissed, tired and ashamed. Pissed because I was forced to do work when I'm tired, and sleeping for like every sentences he says, tired because.. well, actually, just tired. Ashamed, because mom's paying lots of money for my tuition, and here I am sleeping through it. AWESOMENESS LA ERIC.

Tomorrow's Sports day meeting, so am not able to eat lunch with the guys again, well maybe a little. And on Friday, Sports day itself! My goodness, I'm soooo looking forward to this. Oh well, till next time! :D

TAG REPLIES

yourlovingsenior : I don't know, I thought you were my baby.

Ernest : Haha, it's just that I have SUPASHOOPDAWOOP MEMORY. :D

Andrea : WHAT'S WITH THE XD?!

assiddiq : Lol! WHAT A BB.

Awesome-o day.

2008-03-24T08:04:00.000-07:00

Amazingly, today I was able to wake up at 6.10am, and reached Tmart's Macs by 7.30 to have lunch with Shankar and co. and WenQi and co.. Didn't eat, since I wanted to go on a diet, and didn't have money, and also because I already ate at home. :) Amazing thing was, Brayton gave me his Milo! YAY! +1 to manlove charisma!

Had to host the investiture for Assembly, and believe me, I was trembling the whole way, but with the reassuring smile of Andrea *cough*, at least I felt better, and wasn't as jittery as before. Overall, I felt I did normal, could have been better, but normal would suffice for now. Anyway, I hoped nobody heard the mistake I made though. Hahaha.

Lessons was boring as ever, I'm getting chased by Ms. Sayuri for my Amaths homework, and by Wang Qiang for chinese homeworks. And because of my big mouth, I've got a detention from cheena for 1hour on Wednesday. Supposed to be today, but postponed it to Wednesday, and he extended the timing by half an hour. WTF, cheapskate sia.

Head down to Century square in a flash (or you can always call it Taxi), and caught the 3.15pm show of Step up 2! Liu Jing and Li Xuan came late, and sat wayyyyy far from us. Wanted to move there, but the rest was too lazy to. Meh, boredom to the max. Had 'dinner' after that, and I still can't believe Li Xuan thinks I'm Indian. Seriously, seriously, SERIOUSLY hilarious. And I thought she was joking la, until she gave me that 'Huh? Not meh?' look. Classic I tell you.

Well, I really should improve on my vocabulary, so that I can make my entries totally interesting like how Stephanie does it. My goodness, and I thought I had so much shit, that even the world's biggest toilet bowl can't hold me in. -.- Oh well, I guess I'm kinda out of ideas.

PS, class jersey was awesome. Black + Hot pink = win.

TAG REPLIES

RACHEL(: : Haha, see you too! :D

Alison : Actually, I forgot. ._. But let's just take it as the board was down. :D

Because I am a girl

2008-03-23T07:59:00.000-07:00

I just can't understand the ways
Of all the men and their mistakes
You give them all your heart
And then they rip it all away

You told me how much you loved me
And how our love was meant to be
And I believed in you
I thought that you would set me free

(Refrain)
You should've just told me the truth
That I wasn't the girl for you
Still, I didn't have a clue
So my heart depended on you, whoa

(Chorus)
Although I'll say I hate you now
Though I'll shout and curse you out
I'll always have love for you
Because I am a girl

Been told a man will leave you cold
Get sick of you and bored
I know that it's no lie
I gave my all, still I just cry
Never again will I be fooled
To give my all when nothing's true
I won't be played again
But I will fall in love again

(Refrain)

(Chorus)

(Narration)
I loved you so
Now you leave me in the cold
How could this be
I thought that you'd only love me
Into the night
I will pray that you're alright
You hurt me so
But I just can't let you go

You took advantage of my willingness
To do anything for love
Now I'm the only one in pain
Will you please take it all away

Never thought being born a girl
How I can love you and be burned
And now I will build a wall

To never get torn again

(Chorus 2x)

Believe me, I shed a tear hearing this song. Go search for the music video at youtube. Bloody tearjerker.

TAG REPLIES

Jing and Kevin C. : Linked you guys! ;D

Yang : Yea woooo~

yourlovingsenior : No, Dr. Love. OF COURSE DR. TRAN LA.

tian : THANKS DUDE! :D

Dr. Tran / Boring as hell.

2008-03-22T07:29:00.000-07:00

OH MY GOODNESS, BEST SHIT EVER. Believe me, when you're too sianed to do anything, watching this would seriously make your day.

The weekend's been pretty boring, nothing special happened, except that mom's back till Tuesday. Had choreo today, but ended up playing Pepsicola and DJ Max, splendid huh? Yesterday was alright, chatted with people over the phone till late night, and completed God of War before sleeping. Heh, no life worxzxzxz.

I seriously should start posting longer entries, but I just have nothing to write these past few days! ARGH, GIVE ME SOME INSPIRATION! That aside, Final Fantasy 7 Crisis Core kicks ass, breathtaking graphics and a pretty cool gameplay. + It has sexy metrosexuals! :D Okay whatever, I'm off to do cheena homework.

TAG REPLIES

Jacinta, Alan and Zhengxun : Linked! :D

Hidayat : Wassup pusenaden. :)

So close / Founder's day!

2008-03-20T22:19:00.000-07:00

You’re in my arms, and all the world is calm
The music playing on for only two
So close together and when I’m with you
So close to feeling alive

A life goes by, romantic dreams will stop
So I bid mine goodbye and never knew
So close was waiting, waiting here with you
And now forever I know, all that I wanted to hold you so close.

So close to reaching that famous happy end
Almost believing this was not pretend
Now you’re beside me, and look how far we’ve come
So far we are so close

Oh, how could I face the faceless days
If I should lose you now?

We’re so close to reaching that famous happy end
And almost believing this was not pretend
Let’s go on dreaming for we know we are
So close, so close and still so far.

Bloody great song. Yesterday was Founder's day, I think we did well, but others didn't really think so. Haha, riiiiiight. Had supper with Petrina, Liangdeng, Evan, Belinda, Samuel, Vincent, Hafiz and Jemina at McDonalds. I actually thought they were eating too la, then went ahead to buy food, and realised they're just eating McFlurry. What the eff? Awesome la.

Anyway, tuition in an hour and I still haven't done my homework. Plus, I'm kinda lacking behind in school these days, so have to do some heavy revision. Believe me, I'm guilty as hell for not listening in class.

Lastly, am chosen to be the MC for Monday's and Wednesday's Class commitee investiture. My God, Miss Jamie Tan has got to stop choosing me for last minute events. Meh, at least it ain't so formal this time round. Well, gonna sign off now, ciao!

TAG REPLIES

Zf, Musica and jose : Relinked you guys! :D

Jolene and Samuel : Hey!

yourlovingsenior : My God, you don't even recognise your own parents?

YunJen : :D My smile > your smile.

Never good enough / Step by step

2008-03-19T08:38:00.001-07:00

I always have the thought, that I'm never good enough, that if I work with others, I'll pull him down in his potential, that I'll be too huge a burden. Personally, I thought it was 'knowing your limits', but after time passes, I find it's a catastrophic thought, a very destructive and unempowering habit.

As a teenager, I'm always under the pressure of lack of confidence, and this one, is by far one of the worst. It not only doesn't let me feel good about myself, it puts me in a distorted and 'self-conscious' state whenever I work with others, I feel that me being in this work would pull them down, and this would hinder my full capability. It scares me some times, since it's too strong, that it somehow even pulls me away from wanting to befriend others, with fear that I'll end up disappointing them. Hedgehog's dilemma? I totally agree.

Anyway, today was COE ICT! Was bloody frightened man, there were like 400 people, and 2 MCs, plus a bigger downside was that the other MC was even worse off than me! He staggered in his talking, and was trembling like Godknowswhat, and that didn't help at all. Instead I got more nervous, it wasn't even funny.But anyway, part of the event was talks by Professors, so we had a lot of time backstage. I can't believe I actually fell asleep. Yes, that's how boring it is.

Since Liu Jing mentioned a very good point, I shall write it down then. :) Well, personally, old habits die hard, and you know, sometimes when you have the chance, you tend to not have the guts to do it? Yea, that's what happening. I'm supposed to approach the girl, but instead the girl started the conversation? What the hell? What kind of guy am I!? AHHHHH, DAMMIT, GIVE ME SOME COURAGE! Everytime, standard procedure, I won't take my chance, then walk away realising how stupid I was and finally woeing. My God, I have to change.

TAG REPLIES

Mat : Nonsensical, I'm always here. And will forever be. :)

Craig : Thanks dude! Glad you like it.

Liu Jing : Everyone' hot after Photoshop, including you. :D

Wenqi and Shankar : HELLO! :D

Alison : Wassup!

Stephanie : YES, I DID! Haha, no worries!

Immaloveeric : I love you too hun! :D

Yourlovingsenior : Yea, it's immaloveeric. He's so lovely. <3

Jose : Linked!

Regrets / Starting post!

2008-03-18T06:08:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, when I look back at my life, I find that there's so many things I regretted. So many things I wish I never did, so many things I wish I could have amended, so many things I wish I could have done. I'll constantly tell myself, amidst my personal thoughts and self-reflection, that I'll never do the same mistakes, that I'll live life with no regrets, and telling myself this little phrase that somehow means a lot to me : 'You have one life, don't waste it lying around doing nothing.', and I'll somehow manage the following day.

But that's all a bluff. I never get through the same ol' habit, I always end up lying flat faced on the ground, just like the times before. And then the cycle goes around - self-reflection, fall, self-reflection, fall.. And the amazing thing is, I never try to change, and I always live in my world of denial that 'tomorrow's a better day'. Sure enough, it isn't. And what's holding it back, is just a bad sum of lack of confidence and a huge amount of fear..

But enough of my personal thoughts, on a lighter note, I've finally made my blog! Hope I'll tend to it and not let it die like what happened to a gazillion of my other blogs. Heh, commitment's not really my best trait.

Anyway, was selected for the damn COE ICT thing, which lead to me not being able to eat out with Shankar and co. on Monday, + not being able to eat out with them again tomorrow. Man this school's such a bitch for choosing me, I swear I'll burn them.. someday. Heh, had our rehearsal today, the stage's HUGE by the way, freaking awesome too since it's red. Redddddddd, dammit!

Wanted to eat lunch with WenQi and co., but they went to Eastpoint, so had lunch at KFC with Shankar, Ivan, Tian Hoe, Brayton and Sheng Hao. Bloody Dickson and co. didn't let me cut the queue but was taking orders for his other friends. WHAT THE HECK? RACIAL DISCRIMINATION WORZXZ. But other than that, nothing much happened over the last few days, well maybe a few, but they're too personal to share on the blog. Haha, riiiight..

So I guess I'll end here, first blog entry and it's so darn long, my God, like writing essay sia.